I’ll take diapering a vagina over a penis any day of the week. Hands down. 

As if being a new parent isn’t hard enough, we have the added bonus of having to care for and diaper a penis this time around. 

I feel like our diapering station is set up like an operating room tray, complete with sterile gauzes and other necessary instruments and tools. With girls, we never needed this. What should be a simple chore involves no less than sixty-three steps, and often, all hands on deck, or at least four handsLiam’s and my own.

On Easter my dad scoffed in disbelief at my diapering complaints, wondering aloud why it took two of us to change the little guy’s diaper. I just looked at him and said, “Dad, you have no idea.” 

Which of course, he does. It’s just that it’s been over thirty years since he’s had to care for a newborn penis. His memory must be cloudy. Or perhaps he’s blocked it out, due to trauma, which I plan on doing several months from now.

So, I had to remind my dad. 

“Well,” I began, “one person gets the new diaper ready. Another prepares the penis pad (a gauze with Vaseline to protect the circumcision site). Another wets the wipes (our last that remain of the supply given to us by the hospital). Then, one slowly opens the diaper, careful not to disturb any slimy contents too much, lest they creep out and dirty the things around them. Another removes the old penis pad, while still another covers the penis with some kind of cloth until the wiping is complete (We missed this step a time or two, only to be rewarded with a fruitful spraying of penis pee all over the place. Now, this step is essential!). After the wiping, the new protective penis pad gets put into place, the diaper is folded down to avoid adding further injury to the umbilical cord site, and the diaper straps are fastened with a quick prayer that the process will not need to be repeated again any time soon (The boy loves to wait until we change a pee diaper, and then decides to unload his slimy poops in the next few minutes).”

So, by my count, that’s at least ten steps, or ten jobs for ten people. The boy must be wondering about our incompetence as it takes us about as many minutes to complete the task of changing his diaper.

Gratefully, the cord has fallen off and the circumcision site seems to be healing well enough not to require gauze anymore. Also, we are out of hospital wipes, which needed to be moistened with water, and can presumably resume using normal baby wipes. All of this accounts for a reduction in steps by at least five. 

Now I think the only thing we need to protect ourselves against is the wayward spraying fire hose. I can deal with this, though, after the ridiculousness of the first week of penis care. I give you moms to many sons lots and lots of credit for going through this more than once.

Like I said, give me a vagina to diaper any day of the week. Hands down.

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2 thoughts on “I’ll take diapering a vagina over a penis any day of the week. Hands down. 

  1. LSH

    Some penises are easier then others!
    Love your writing style. Although this read was a bit too descript for my imagination…and memories of my sons! How humbling and gratifying at the same time…being a mom.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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